Monday, June 05, 2006

it's a celebration bitches

dear loves of my life,

i got totally played. i went to pick up my friend at work and head into the city and i got bombarded by 40 crazy drunks that i call my friends yelling "surprise!". and i don't remember much after that. but it rocked. thanks guys, it's good to know i have friends, especially considering what a degenerate i am.


Thursday, May 25, 2006

moving on and on and on

so here is the link to some of my senior recital recordings:

considering how weird and dramatic and traumatic the whole situation was, i think the recording turned out pretty damn awesome. so there you go, me in the absolute raw. that's me singing while i'm happy and devastated and anxious and elated all at the same time. do with it what you will.

i graduated. after 8 years. granted i took a ton of time off, but starting college in 1998 and finishing in 2006 makes you feel something special, regardless of the circumstances. thanks steve and nat and of course jackie. i'll do my best to make you proud.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

about it all

about my tattoos? i guess i never thought about it. my body was never going to look perfect, obviously. i think that i started thinking that since a whole quarter of my body was going to look different, why not cover the rest of it with art. i don't put random stupid tattoos on my body, i put paintings that i like on my skin. and it works for me. so for me it's a whole picture, my tattoos, my body, my leg. it's all one picture/package. i think that if people don't know about my leg they freak out alot more about my tattoos. once people see my leg they seem to see the whole picture and somehow appreciate the whole picture. even if they are 60 years old, which is totally weird but i guess makes sense.

i guess my whole deal is getting people to like my body, titanium legs and tattoos and all. i can't say i don't go through the day worrying that i'm a freak or that people won't like me or that i'll never get acceptance. all i can do is pretend that it's sexy in some way and that it doesn't matter and hope people out there share that view. because otherwise i'm doomed to a life of freakery and low self-esteem and that's just not an option.

Thursday, April 27, 2006


did you ever feel like you have to give up something of who you are to be in a relationship? i don't necessarily mean a romantic could be friendship, or even a relative, or a teacher or boss or or whatever. i feel like every once in a while i look around me and see all these amazing people that know a certain part of me; the musician part, the funny part, the student part, the daughter part...and that's not all me. as i'm finally trying to wrap up this phase of my life, i'm realizing how few people i know who get to see every single part of every single part of my life. it's not bad, i wouldn't want my parents to see me out at a club at 4 am. and i wouldn't want my dnb friends to see me nerding out in a transcription class. but it makes you wonder about the nature of a whole human you can be one complete human being in front of even one other person. i haven't found a person yet who knows me backwards and forwards, and although that's not necessarily a bad thing, it makes me wonder.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


those who know me know that i love to watch the learning channel and discovery health channel. i love to spend hours internalizing 1 in a million genetic mutations and bizarre psychological diseases...i can't help it. i can't tell if it makes me feel better or worse...i guess maybe it's because of my own personal physical anomaly. in addition, i have a close relative who's severly autistic, and two who are schizophrenic.

so perhaps my fascination isn't wholly self-centered.

but MAN i love these shows..."born with two heads", "i am my own twin", "the boy who had no skin"...

my mother thinks i'm a total sadist even watching this shit. i guess once in a while i just like to feel lucky that i'm not them. even with one leg. does that make me a bad person?


"I definitely would have had a little more tact and not drunk so much alcohol."
-bijou phillips

Saturday, April 08, 2006

one more post-death late-night post

norah jones is on conan right now with her "country" band, the little willies.

i thought she was what i was supposed to be living up to/thankful for in terms of her fame/competing with...same age as me, "jazz" singer, 5 grammies. yeah, well, i'm not singing country, so my bizarre competition with her is officially over.

this past week has been insane. i have been alternating between my sadness and elation because through death has come reunions with old friends and, surprisingly, gigs. i feel bad about talking shop and ultimately landing amazing gigs while at a funeral, but at the same time i know jmac would've done the same and probably is looking down at the whole situation laughing.

i'm tired of crying. it's time to start living in the celebration.

Monday, April 03, 2006

the beginning of the end

it's finally here, the inevitable. soon i'll be nothing more but another 20-something musician hoping to make enough money to not have to get a crappy day job. until then, i'm engulfed in more recitals, concerts, and bureaucratic nonsense to last me the next ten years. here it is, my dear hearts, the beginning of the end:

if you can, try and make it. i promise it won't suck too much.

ode to jmac

dear jackie,

thanks for being an inspiration to everyone around you. you were incredibly thoughtful, creative, and kind, but you were also a perfectionist who drove the musicians lucky enough to learn from you to do bigger and better things. without you i wouldn't be graduating from college, i wouldn't be as good as a musician as i am, and i definitely wouldn't know jack shit about jazz. thank you, my friend. you will be missed by every single person who you touched throughout your lifetime.


Monday, March 20, 2006

austin in a nutshell

four days is too short for a proper vacation. here's a few highlights: ISLANDS is my new absolutely favorite band, barbecue and mexican food are SO much better in texas than anywhere else, my brother is adorable, having an orange car is awesome because you never lose it in a big parking lot, lonestar beer is the best $2 beer i've had in a long time, and indie rockers look funny.

that just about sums it up. here's some visuals.

Monday, March 13, 2006

off on the left foot

it's thundering and lightning right now. my favorite kind of weather and we haven't had a really good thunderstorm in months. after this past week of nonsense and bad luck, a good thunderstorm might be just what i need to send me off to texas tomorrow, maybe just what everyone needs to cleanse their brown shitty auras and start the spring off on the right foot. i don't know what happened to the universe last week, but all i know is that most people i know had a crapfest of bad luck and bad experiences, ranging from getting fired to having things stolen to the unfortunate breaking of front teeth, not to mention having the photo of said broken teeth spread around the interweb in a matter of minutes. last week was a culmination of all the bad things we've done coming back to bite us in the ass. last week was the proverbial "shit hitting the fan". and last week made a lot of people cry, so i'm very glad it's over because it's not fun to watch people turn into their five-year-old selves, heads flung back, mouths wide open, drool and tears and snot becoming one nasty gelatinous mixture. i like it when people are happy...funny how watching someone laugh that hard with their head flung back, mouth wide open, and the brutal look of a person desperately attempting to hold in their bodily fluids is so much more attractive.

i do have to say that if someone is going to steal my shit, then being bold enough to go into my car in my driveway directly in front of my house in the middle of the night is pretty damn brazen. i almost admire the fucking bastard that did it. but i'd still kick him in the balls if i saw him on the street, i mean fair is fair.

Friday, March 10, 2006

who would've thought?

i thought only old people or out of shape people got acid reflux disease, but apparently so do alcohol-guzzling jazz-singing little maniacs like me. so now that i finally got to go in to see the otolaryngologist and have a scope done, it has been revealed that not only do i have a very severe case of acid reflux that has dulled my esophogal nerves, i also have a cyst on my left vocal chord and severe swelling that is making it very difficult to get any good sound out of my throat. at least i know that i'm not crazy, which the nurse practitioner implied a few times while handing me a bottle of nasonex. i am now officially on voice rest until the summer, although i can do my recital if i don't go nuts belting while rehearsing, and i have to see a speech pathologist to make sure i'm using my voice in a way that works with my old person disease. basically i'm shit out of luck. isn't that always the way. *cry*

Friday, February 24, 2006

me and robert on the case

i love unsolved mysteries. i watch it every chance i can, which is pretty often because it's on twice a day, five days a week on lifetime. me and robert stack have an understanding: he gives me scary people to look for on the street and i look at people on the street and make sure that they aren't the people that are going around creating mysteries yet to be solved. sometimes it's kind of hard to do because most of the shows are from 1988-1996, and then you have to factor in the aging process or changing hair and clothing styles. sometimes i see a dude with a mustache walking hurriedly and sketchily through williamsburg and i try to imagine him with a mullet, muttonchops, or big aviator sunglasses. a couple times i've come close to calling the unsolved mysteries tipline, but i don't think it would be fair to ruin some sad sketchy dude's life based on a ten year old episode of unsolved mysteries. well that and the fact that the tipline doesn't exist anymore. come to think of it, robert stack doesn't exist anymore. but i still do love unsolved mysteries, especially the UPDATES and weird southern family reunions. i don't like the alien abduction episodes though, those are just bullshit.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

we be crazy

i love this picture. it perfectly demonstrates us. at direct drive. drunk. oh joy!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

ode to macaroni and cheese

dearest love,
how can i ignore the way you
spiral and elbow your way into my heart,
your crumbling exterior falling away
to reveal your soft sweetness.
i adore you in all your many forms,
for your amiable ways,
for taking my gray days
and filling them with your golden goodness
and for never asking questions when i demand your comfort
even when i am too selfish to even ask you
how your day has been.
i'm a taker
you're a giver
and finally i have found the perfect symbiotic relationship.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


oh and happy valentine's day from me and little mega!!!!!

and's been said that i remind certain people of sam in garden state. i think it's because i, too, should be wearing a helmet most of the time.

birthdays and blizzards

it's good to take a break sometimes. when you have an extreme personality (i prefer the word "extreme" to "crazy", OK???), it sometimes becomes necessary to take some time off from the outside world and just lay down for a while. in my case "a while" means 5-6 weeks. i decided to zone out and watch an abnormally large amount of television and listen to music and hang out with my dog while i waited for the craziest semester of my life to begin.

so here we are. and along with a solid 30 credits and the seemingly unattainable goal of being 200,000,000 times better at music by the end of the semester than i am right now, i have also made an attempt to rejoin the world of the living. i guess realizing that after this year i won't have the opportunity to sit in a classroom with world-renowned jazz musicians and sponge off of their talent has made me...well...scared shitless. therefore, i'm transcribing my ass off, arranging tunes for my recital, and basically going music crazy. it's taken three years, but how nice to know that now, in my final semester, i'm finally taking advantage of my fancy learnin'. i started planning my senior recital, which promises to be the biggest most unbelievable event of the year, due mostly to the fact that it has taken me 8 fucking years to get my bachelor's degree and i'm ready to celebrate the fact that i'm moving out of my parents' house.

in addition to the dusting off of my cerebellum, i have also dusted off my dancing shoes and actually made it back to the city for the first time since new year's. it's good to go away for a while because then people actually get a chance to miss you and are happy to see you when you get back. and i, of course, love to make a dramatic entrance. thanks to michelle for having a birthday, because it was a night filled with cake, electro, and love all around. and i have an announcement to make: after 10 years of being a professional debaucherer, i have finally learned the true meaning of the word MODERATION!!!!!! yes, yes, i know, congratulations are due. it's been a long hard road, but i think i can see less blackouts in my future. i'm by no means saying that i'm not going to blackout occasionally, but i think i'll try and space them out a little more. baby steps, people.

so in addition to a fabulous night at fat baby, my weekend also included shooting a video for datcyde's cd/dvd (which will include three songs i'm featured on) and a goddamned blizzard. if you didn't know, the northeast corner of the good ol' U. S. of A. was hit so hard by two and a half feet of snow that dave had to spend about a half hour digging out my car and the inhabitants of 246 driggs decided to spend 36 hours doing what all brilliant-minded new yorkers should do in a blizzard: eating, smoking weed, drinking beer, watching the olympics, and bidding on ebay auctions. it's the simple things in life, you know.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Friday, January 20, 2006

Friday, January 13, 2006

69 things to know about me

this is a typical self-centered survey where i answer a bunch of stupid questions that really don't sum up me or my personality or who i am in any way. the only thing that's redeemable about posting something as stupid as this is the fact that i didn't do it on myspace. so here it is: 69 facts about me that you never knew or wanted to know. happy reading.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
8:18. i have class at 10:30 so i've been getting up early lately.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
um, seriously? how about opal and moonstone.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
the family stone. it was awful and i totally dragged dave there to see it which i am still apologizing for.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
LOST, law and order in any of its various forms, and "medical mystery" on discovery health. don't ask.

5. What did you have for breakfast?
a big mug of lyon's british blend tea.

6. What is your middle name?
haven't got one.

7. What is your favorite food?
artichoke hearts, avocado, cheese (almost every kind except the really smelly ones), and (proving that i actually have the mental age of a five year old) tater tots and macaroni and cheese.

8. What foods do you dislike?
any part of an animal that is recognizable (feet, tongue, ears, etc.) and my biggest problem of all time is when fruit touches any other food group. ick.

9. Your favorite Potato chip?
cape cod. they are just so crunchy.

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
i'm still very into death cab for cutie's newest disc "plans", even though it came out a million years ago.

11. What kind of car do you drive?
a forest green subaru forester.

14 Favorite drink?
wine (pinot, savignon, or shiraz) and tea (green or black).

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be?
southeast asia.

16.What color is your bathroom?
white and dark green.

17. Favorite brand of clothing?
james perse, ella moss, paper denim and cloth, anything vintage and bright and strange.

18.Where would you retire?
hawaii. definitely.

19 Favorite time of day?

21. Favorite sport to watch?
i think sports are boring to watch. but i'll watch the red sox any day.

22. Who do you least expect to send this back?
not really applicable.

23. Person you expect to send it back first?
see #22

24. What laundry detergent do you use?
purex. i'm not very particular, whatever smells good and works.

25. Coke or Pepsi?
diet coke.

26. Are you a morning person or night owl?
i say i'm an unwaivering night owl but in reality i'm a morning person.

27. What size shoe do you wear?

28. Do you have pets?
cammy and woodstock...and my future puppy django.

29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your friends?
unfortunately not. i don't get exciting news very often, i'm afraid.

30. What (who) did you want to be when you were little?
a superstar. wow how things change. ha.

31. Favorite Candy Bar?
don't like candy.

33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life?
retail sales associate, school bookstore worker, delivery driver, drug dealer, bartender, barista, cocktail waitress, working musician.

34. Favorite season?

35. Nicknames you've had?
emmie, ewalk.

36. Piercings:
four in one ear, three in the other, two nose, one bellybutton, two nipples. it seems a lot more drastic than it is, i swear.

37. Eye color:
very brown.

38. Ever been to Africa?

39. Ever been toilet papering?

40. Love someone so much it made you cry?
if by that you mean you loved someone who was such a douchebag that they made you cry, then yes.

41. Been in a car accident?
oh hell yes.

42. What's a question no one has ever asked you?
why aren't you a supermodel??? (ha)

43. Favorite day of the week?

44. Favorite restaurant?
max's oyster bar or azul in hartford, bahia or blue ribbon in brooklyn.

45. Favorite flower?

46. Favorite ice cream?
don't like ice cream.

47. Disney or Warner Brothers?

48. Favorite fast food restaurant?
taco bell, but only in the most DIRE of circumstances will i eat any fast food.

49. What color is your bedroom carpet?

50. How many times did you fail your driver's test?

51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail?
stevie d.

52. Which store would you choose to Max out your Credit Card?
oh man...there's so many. so so so many. anywhere that sells clothes or bags or belts or scarves or jewelry or bedding or stupid designer toys that i can't stop collecting.

53. What do you do most often when you are bored?
watch my best friend, television.

54. Bedtime:
this week it's been around 11. usually it's around 3.

56. Last person you went to dinner with?
miss kaboom, but i'm going to azul with davey in an hour and a half.

57. Ford or Chevy?

58. What are you listening to right now?
felicity on the boob tube. yes i watch felicity. no i don't need to be lectured about how sad that is, thanks.

59. What is your favorite color?
deep red/pink, baby blue.

60. Lake, Ocean or River?
ocean, by far.

61. How many tattoos do you have?
they're all blending together, it's hard to say. 7? 8? 22?

62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
the chicken? i'm not very bright, i don't waste my brainpower on such questions.

63. How many people are you sending this email to?
the whole wide interweb.

64. Favorite Cocktail?
i don't drink liquor so i'll trade it for a glass of wine, thanks.

65. Red or White wine?
white white white. i'm allergic to large quantities of sulfites.

66. Where would you go for a girls or boys weekend get-a-way?
the beach.

67. What do you want to be?
a real musician.

68. Republican or Democrat?
democrat, but i'm not exactly going to the convention any time soon.

69. Favorite Family Vacation?
st. maarten, our family's former yearly ritual.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

ode to new york

dear new york,

thank you for all the good times. the shots of jaeger, the glasses of pinot, the amazing colombian dinners, the walks across bridges, the rooftop parties, the shop shop shopping, the long thoughtful subway rides, the amusing homeless people, the specialty gourmet stores, and most of all for my friends. my best things are gifts from you.

but i think we have to break up, oh new york. this year you and i had some rough times. those loooooooooong days/nights. the many blackouts. the parking tickets. i could go on, but why dwell on the negative? i think it's time to take some space. it's not you, it's me. i just don't have the stamina anymore. after our power weekend, i spent three days in bed. is that what you want for me, new york? unable to sing and grouchy and lazy and lonely? i didn't think so. i know you only want the best for me, and believe me, you don't need little ol' me to have a good time.

so maybe we can be friends again soon, new york. but not until you stop hanging out with people from new jersey.