inspiration

i've been in a rut. granted i'm in and out of ruts constantly, but creatively i've been as dry as the sahara for the past few months. what a bummer...luckily i got to see an amazing show that totally piqued my interest in music again and got my juices flowing. it's funny how, as an artist, sometimes all i need is one little nudge in the right direction and everything seems to make more sense. esthero started off her musical career doing triphop vocals, and i loved her first album "breath from another". when i listened to some examples of her new style, her first album after a 7 year hiatus, i was not impressed with this new pop princess esthero. what happened to the edgy electronica-laden music that i fell in love with in college? well, that girl definitely impressed me and made me realize what is going on in her head. she danced around like a maniac and her band (including three horns, guitar, keys, drums, and two back-up vocalists) was right up my alley. there was a lot of new orleans-jazz inspired arrangements and the pop stuff was made more interesting with rich harmonies and horn solos. sometimes all it takes is some music that seems to be made from the same ingredients as the music in your head to make you realize what direction you need to go in.

i'm seeing her again on wednesday night at pearl street in northampton. alone. ok, i may be a little obsessed right now, but i need to take all the musical inspiration i can get right now.

also, i'm back in ct. it's like i can exhale finally...my dog, my lake, my plants, my car, my piano, and some alone time. yessssssss.

pissing contest

i realized last night that i have this need to always one up people when they talk about things i've been through. it's annoying. specifically, conversations involving scars, car accidents, british people, and houses burning down rate high on my pissing contest list. however, i think i am learning to curb this obnoxious behavior and last night i proved to myself that i can actually hear someone mention a minor car accident and their lack of injuries and not say "well i was in a bad car accident once and i broke all the bones in both my legs and i lost a limb and i died a couple times!!! beat that sucka!!!!!". i suppose saying that to someone who i just met and is a work acquaintance of my boyfriend would be wholly inappropriate and it's possible that i am just learning to be a more mature adult.

speaking of mature adults, i used the phrase "when i grow up" yesterday without any irony whatsoever. sigh.

what should i do tonight? ozomatli or the roots. i like them both.

i'm watching crapfest tv, as in WE, lifetime, and TLC. it is my guilty pleasure. not my guiltiest pleasure, but pretty high up there.

my living situation is pretty much draining me of any positive energy that i once had. i could possibly kill someone before the end of the summer.

i am going to hawaii in a few weeks and i'm not excited about it, which apparently means i'm a blasphemous cuntrag.

i could subsist entirely on grape tomatos, cheese, and olives. white wine will wash it down.

i think i have found the secret to getting younger instead of older: dancing around like a lunatic, making funny faces/voices, cocaine, and sex. i've gotten carded every time i've tried to buy alcohol and about half the times i've bought cigarettes this summer and that has never really happened to me, so try my recipe and gain eternal youth!!!

all weekends should be like this

last weekend renewed my faith in all that is good and right with the world. i drove across the eastern seaboard and drove myself crazy doing it, but i got to see good people and do fun things and that is what i like most in the whole world.

thursday night (june 30th) i trekked it back up to hartford so that i could get my poor little subaru out of the shop on friday in time to do all my various fun things. i got to the shop and my car was only half fixed. apparently my mother told the guy to only fix the things listed on the insurance claim, which although was substantial, did not cover all the bodywork damage that had been accumulating over the years due to renegade bike messengers and crazy homeless people. (i seem to attract a lot of crazy people to do damage to my poor car...nothing surprises me anymore.) so i took the better but still not dent-free car out of the shop and decided on a whim to drive back to new york on saturday in order to hear the premier of my new track with datcyde at direct drive. he and i had been working on it for a while and i hadn't gotten to hear the finished version yet, so i really needed to be there when it was played on the rothko speakers for tons of people. i drove down without fanfare, scooped up my katy, stopped at jamin's studio to grab dave, and headed in to the city. all i can say about that night was that it was absolutely fantastic. so many people were there, and everyone kept coming up to me saying "did he play it yet????". i love positive reinforcement, and i especially love my friends. they called me up onstage and i got to dance and lipsynch and i was in heaven. (i found out later that after i left my friend jenny fell down the stairs and broke her foot in two places, so i guess that kind of put a damper on the night, but i'm a selfish bitch and i wasn't there when it happened. as far as i'm concerned it's all gravy.)

saturday i woke up and got on my way to boston, picking up kat on the way out of brooklyn. kat is one of those friends i had in college who i don't talk to on a very regular basis, but who lives in my neighborhood and every time we hang out we say "god why don't we hang out more?!?!". this time we really are going to, we promised. she and i got up to south salem to pick up our mutual best friend cassie and finally got on the way to boston. long drives are so so so much better when you have three chatty cathy's in a car, i tell you what. we did stop about three times (to see my dog...get some latte's...you know, the important things), but we finally made it up to lynn, massachussetts (right outside of boston) where our darling kendra was having her housewarming/engagement party. they freaking bought a house. and now they're getting married. i'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but we are officially getting old. the house is gorgeous and there was lots of sangria, wine, beer, and burgers and tons of weird people i didn't know. but in the middle of it all was our little core group of friends that manages to find each other about twice a year, get drunk, reminisce about college, and pass out. fantastic!

lynn is right on the beach, so we walked a few blocks and got to the sand to see the fireworks. mind you by this time we were all completely tanked. as in frightening small children. ah yes, it seems that every one of my groups of friends are "those people", you know, the ones that have a big circle of latitude around them in public because all the normals are scared. i wouldn't have it any other way. here's an example of what i mean:

now i know that this picture basically makes it look like I'M the only crazy one, but i swear it's not true. man, was i excited. fireworks are fun on the beach. the only major issue was that i had to pee desperately and by the time they ended, i was about to go in my pants. there were hundreds of people everywhere and no private bushes to pop a squat on, so i was fucked until we got back to kendra's house. now, as many of you may know, when i drink white wine i tend to get a little...um...emotional. so i ran back to the house with pal rachel and i kept calling ahead to make the kids in front slow down, but it was every man for himself at that point. we got back to the house as fast as we can, and the bathrooms were all being used. my reaction? to burst into tears. oh lord. in my drunken state i somehow thought that they all knew how badly i had to go and were using the bathrooms first to spite me, which is the most ridiculous thing ever. i mean, i really seriously started crying about it. probably one of my most pathetic moments ever...i ended up calling dave and katy in that state and katy says "well did you pee your pants or what?" and i apparently said "only a little" and she bursts out laughing and declares me fine, ready to keep partying. thank god for kaboom when you need reassurance that a little pee is better than a lot of pee. ugh.

the rest of the night is a blur of pictionary and more crying, apparently about exboyfriends being mean and dismissive and some guy i just met having to go fight in iraq (don't ask, i can't account for my drunken overemotional responses), but all in all it was a really wonderful time that ended much too quickly.

july fourth itself is pretty much a blur of a huge rooftop, steak, norah jones, drug deals gone wrong, and wiz peeing in a cup. i just love love love my friends. why can't every weekend be like that one????

hiatus

ok so i haven't been posting in about a month. i guess it's mostly because i've been relatively miserable and although there have been many wild reckless moments of abandonment, i haven't been taking any pictures. and i know that people like pictures. so i guess i just haven't been inclined to write anything when in all honesty i haven't done anything in about a month. partying does not count.

i did have a fantastic show at southstreet seaport, which was everything i had hoped it would be and more. i met duke ellington's granddaughter who said i gave her chills and that her grandfather would be proud. definitely a top ten moment. let's see....i sent my demo to los angeles and apparently it's been making the rounds at the warner group but they're not sure how to categorize me, so who knows if anything will come of that. gabe, my pseudo-agent, is sending more to bmg/sony, arista, etc., but i think we'd have more success at blue note and verve. whatever, he's the one with the fancy corner office.

i think i've realized where a lot of my misery lies: brooklyn doesn't hold the same power over me that it used to. i used to walk around neighborhoods feeling like it was all ingrained in me, like i was finally home. now when i'm there i mostly miss my dog and my lake and my flowers. my orchids aren't thriving without me, they need my steamy showers to really look their best. i think the urban part of my life is pretty much over, i'm almost ready to buy a house with a yard and settle down. i can't believe i feel that way after once claiming i would live in brooklyn forever, but it just doesn't feel right anymore. new york is honestly a beautiful facade, but lately i keep seeing the rats crossing the subway platforms and the drunken polish guys asleep on the sidewalk before seeing the children running around mccarren park and gorgeous old brownstones that i used to imagine living in. it's just too dirty and there's too many people and i guess i'm not as hardcore as i used to be because i miss boring old connecticut. what are we going to do with you, ema walker, you old fogie. i need to stop listening to so much jazz, it's turning me into a wrinkly.

so there you have it. i'm going to hawaii in a few weeks, i'm sure my mood will greatly improve. if that doesn't do it, then somebody better send me to the looney bin.

sick sick sick

back in brooklyn and of course i take the first week back to party ridiculously hard and get myself a nice headcold. this blows. also, i somehow unknowingly ended up spending way too much time at dave's apartment which resulted in his roommate being a dick and me getting upset and now i don't want to go back there or talk to that kid for a long long time. it's funny how different people can be...personally, i try and treat my friends with respect. that's how they know that they are my friends: i don't make fun of them or bug them about their flaws, i try my best not to talk shit about them (not always successfull, mind you), and i make sure that they understand that i enjoy their company. this is how friendship works, in my mind. if i wanted to treat the people around me like shit, i would just hang out with losers and douchebags and revel in my crew of idiots. but i don't. i like giving back to my friends, i like letting them know that they mean something to me, and by doing this i am constantly validated in my friendships when they do the same for me. dave's roommate seems to have a great time treating his friends like shit (i think he considers it "tough love"): he picks at their weaknesses and half the time it's hard to tell whether he actually likes his supposed best friends or hates them. i refuse to be put in a position where i am constantly wondering whether someone likes me and how i can figure out a way to get them to treat me better. therefore, i'm going to try my hardest to have him in my life as little as possible. i am way too sensitive to be trying to prove myself to someone, especially after hanging out with them for over 9 months. it's too stressful for me.

that being said, some cool things have happened this week...i am getting more and more excited for my performance on the 15th. it should be exciting, apparently there will be some big names there and i might get some great feedback and/or opportunities. also, my friend howie, who has some great contacts at labels and runs a management company, is really interested in working with me and wants me to sing on one of his artists' upcoming album and hopefully meet with a guy from a jazz label, called hightone, that he knows pretty well. so musically i'm doing great.

i need to work out a better balance now that i'm settling in...what kind of job i want to get, how to space out my time with dave and my other friends, how to spend my time when i'm trying to find a job, how much partying i can actually do without killing myself. it's stressing me out. no wonder i'm sick.

bk baby

guess who's back in the hood...brooklyn must have missed me terribly. it's strange having a place to stay here, considering i've spent most weekends here for the past 9 months. now i have a room and a kitchen and bathroom and somewhere to take a nap if i need to.

no job, but that will hopefully change.

thank god for friends like andrew...the kid met me at target and carried a plastic set of drawers the size of my torso and a huge comforter all the way back to greenpoint with me. he is a freaking angel. i've been walking my ass off for the past few days and it feels really good. i thought i would have a hard time without the car, but honestly it feels really nice not to have to worry about it all the time.

monday night i christened my return to brooklyn by going out and getting tanked with my roommates and my old friend mike weinbaum, who's visiting from vietnam. the kid went over there to teach with his girlfriend (now ex) and ended up starting an import-export vespa company. he bought a house and is incorporated, after 15 months over there. fucking nuts. he's also completely insane, but i suppose that's typical of the people i know. anyway, he and sloppy and kiv and i went to the mugs for beer and burgers, then headed to the abbey, and finished off the night at the turkey's nest. fun fun times, if not fully remembered.

last night i got my favorite el salvadoran meal finally, and andrew and dave made great company. the half hour walk home was only mildly uncomfortable...gotta get used to this whole walking thing.

KILL THE STRESS MONKEY

well the last two weeks are finally over. can it really be??? my recital was FANTASTIC, i aced my theory exam, and somehow managed to end up on top of the game. friday night, after my performance, i took my nyc-friends to the spigot. i'm sure it's an experience they'll never forget...with all the tv's and drunk suburbanites, it was truly once-in-a-lifetime. saturday was the best tristate tour ever...we made it from ct through nyc to jersey for chris thomas' kentucky derby party. it was decent (i could've done without the spilled whiskey on my pants and the random beer can that hit me) and seeing kang rocking back and forth with a shiteating grin on his face, completely wasted, was enough entertainment for an entire night. joe wize was totally drunk and couldn't drive, so lucky wizzy got to drive joe's car all the way over the goethals and the verrazano back to brooklyn, where we stopped in at dave's apartment and watched a bronchitis-filled erick hack up half a lung until we finally got our asses over to direct drive. that party ruled. i got obliterated. i took lust-filled pictures with wiz and made a complete ass out of myself. can't wait till i move back for good next weekend...

busy busy bean

i'm so stressed. i can't write when i'm stressed. it just means more stress. i have a recital that is kicking my ass right now...who knew that one little event would be so much drama and work. my friends up here totally suck right now, my supposed best girl friend basically never did the stuff she was supposed to do for the recital and i decided to boot her from the show last minute. this sounds like a great "fuck you", but in reality it's shooting myself in the foot because now i'm strings-less. whatever. thank god for that angel boy who's cooking and driving and recording and basically carrying me through this whole thing.

we'll see how it goes...hopefully people will show up. and i won't stink up the place.

fantastic weekend!

there's not much to say about how amazing this weekend was, except to say how great a 24 hour migraine feels, especially when being woken up periodically by really drunk boys. but the true icing on the cake is being hit from behind on the hutchinson parkway by a mercedes, who was hit by a mitsubishi, who was hit by a lincoln towncar. the result: a ten car pileup. the culprit: a minor fender-bender in the fast lane which involved two cars that decided, like geniuses, to stop in the middle of the highway and inspect the "damage". skip to five minutes later: two cars stop suddenly, i stop suddenly, and i'm rearended by the three cars behind me. so now i have a subaru forester with 98,000 miles and the cost to repair the body damage is more than the car is actually worth. YESSSSSSS!!! shit. let's not talk about my recital, which i'm more anxious for than anything ever in my life, a psychology test on wednesday, an ensemble concert wednesday night, an ethics paper due friday....did i mention i'm moving in three weeks?

life sucks. and then you die.

snippets of my current situation

the sockets in my head ache. i had a dream last night that i was having sex with nicole richie. there was a lot of cocaine involved, it was very strange. i am eating lentil soup. i wrote a five page ethics paper in approximately one hour. my recital is in two and a half weeks and i haven't started rehearsals yet. it is 86 degrees outside. my brother and i are going out to lunch on friday. i think i will take a nap now.

holes in my face

i have holes in my face. earholes, eyesockets, nostrils, some earring holes, two nosering holes...and a big fat mouth. in that mouth there are some teeth. today i had to bid adieu to four of those little nuggets of nerves and bone. tata, wizzies. farewell, old friends. my face looks like this:



for a while i looked like don corleone from the godfather because i had so much gauze in my mouth. it is bloody. i have been drooling. i feel so sexy.

my dad and my boyfriend are in the car together as we speak, spending a full 45 minutes alone on the way back from new haven. holy moly, i hope their combined stoicism doesn't turn them both to stone before they make it back.

this weekend = + +


yessssssssss.

8 months

hahaha.

weekend of sin

so friday i had a shitty evening that luckily gave way to a somewhat entertaining night. first night out in new york without the boy in almost 8 months...what a strange revelation. i hate pathmark on northern boulevard. and when i say HATE i mean ABHOR WITH ALL OF MY BEING. it is akin to the seventh circle of hell. rows and rows of nasty food filled with so many preservatives that they will probably still be sitting on those shelves in 25 years, rotting fruits, and lots of miserable obese people. awesome.

too a trip to newark to pick up a friend of a friend at the airport. without the treats i was inhaling the entire ride there and back, i might have killed myself. thank god there was no traffic at the holland tunnel or a certain adorable young lass who was too lazy to get her ass down to the lower east side to meet me might have been thrown out of the car before we even made it to anatomy. anatomy was a drunken mess, as usual, which then became a group mission to the fish. i hate the fish. i hate the fish so much that it makes me ball up my fists and dig my fingernails into my palms while breathing deeply and counting to 10. maybe 20. however, i never fail to make it there when invited. whyyyyyyy...what is your hold on me, oh shithole that is max fish?????

saturday was great...lounging with erick until finally forced to get out of my pj's and into the shower and out to direct drive, after which was BBS: THE MOVIE. otherwise known as kaboom's bday. what a retarded/fun/bizarre night.

40 hail mary's

i stayed out too late last night and missed my first two classes for the third time this week. i made someone i love very disappointed in me. i have been badly behaved and i will get myself back on track this weekend. i'm sorry.

spring

here i am sitting on the steps outside the library on my college campus. it's ridiculously nice out today, kind of an affirmation that winter does eventually end. there are 18 and 19-year olds running around in the grass like maniacs, like i'm sure there are on every college campus in the northeast today. funny to be surrounded by kids like this after living in new york for so long...they have no idea what's in store for them once they stop living in dorms and eating dining hall food. how cute. i'm listening to suv and patife and bopping my head with my shoes off...i'm sure all these long island and new jersey natives think i'm a weirdo. the tattoos and fake leg don't help much, i'm sure. i miss being in new york, where i'm pretty middle of the road when it comes to weirdness.



this morning i sang on the college radio station with a couple other kids from my program. it was a great performance, made better by the fact that people could listen and see it live on the web. technology is quite fun sometimes. music is going so well for me lately...it's a little scary. i keep thinking i'll wake up and have no voice or something horrible will happen and i'll never get to sing again. constant anxiety.

at least it's spring.

crazy weekend

my parents went out of town. every time my parents go out of town, i get a rush of high school-style adrenaline and invited everyone i know to come party at the lake. as long as no one feeds my animals beer or drugs, it usually means a good time. thursday night i had a few people over after raiding the spigot and ended up a little drunker than i expected. i ended up missing my early morning class and then my next one was cancelled, so i slept most of the day until i had to go pick up my love from the train station. after such an annoying waste of a day, it was great to see him and know that i got to have him around until monday morning. we got home and he cooked me an amazing meal of salmon and risotto. we picked up some treats and hung out at the house with a few people until another raid to the spigot was in order...by then davey was a little wasted and was doing his fun excercise in harassing people in hartford to their faces while pretending to be more drunk than he really is. great game. back at the house the night carried on until around 3 or 4 while everyone drank beer, sampled my dad's scotch, and ate leftover pizza. good times.

the next two days basically involved me and dave in a love puddle. i miss him when he's not here. boo to long distance relationships.




so it's monday, i made it to my first class, skipped the second to take a nap, and made it to my third where i got to listen to mediocre musicians transcribe solos for an hour or so. fantastic!

day one

i am jumping on the bandwagon. let's see how it goes.