a story

i watch the tree coming at us and all at once i really know the feeling of imminent doom. impact and then i look through a blur at broken glass, heaps of twisted metal, seemingly endless miles of tree bark and branches. and there's two of everything, maybe three or four but who can tell. in and out and in and out again and again and there are people and fire and more people, spotlights and headlights and fire extinguishers, and then a loud roar and i'm out. pain in my legs and pain in my head and pain in my chest and a helicopter and i'm out again. when i get to the hallways of linoleum and white white walls there is my mother and i say "i'm really sorry mom" and she says "why? was it your fault?" and although years later i find out she's being sarcastic, for a long time i think she's mad at me for screwing up yet again. i'm out and in and out and finally out out out.

the icu is bright and i can't talk and there's tubes everywhere, beeping and humming and purring and people everywhere and i learn i've been asleep for two weeks and i NEED to check my voicemail. maybe i was in the newspaper. tell me what's broken, i know that things aren't where they're supposed to be...and one other thing, i already know about the leg so spare me the gruesome details please. take this tube out of my throat i can't talk, i want to talk, i NEED to talk please i have too many questions to spell out on a laminated alphabet. let's hear the list: broken ankle, broken kneecap, dislocated kneecap, broken femur in two places, punctured lungs, punctured liver (kidney? i never remember) and the obvious. okay go back to sleep, no you can't take out that tube because you can't breathe on your own yet and you'll die. oh yeah, don't move that arm, your collarbone is broken too. sorry, we keep forgetting about that. pull this tube out NOW i need need NEED to talk please, i have to check my voicemail. someone might have called, a boy might like me, maybe someone didn't know that i'm here, maybe my friends are wondering if i'm ignoring them, maybe they hate me and i'm friendless and 16 and legless and alone. well everyone knows, it's in the newspaper and on the nightly news and morphine is fantastic and i'm asleep. in and out and in and out out out.

tubes are out, bandages are removed and changed daily, the residents come through like a pack of wolves hungrily eyeing my rare injuries and reconstructions and poking prodding and ignoring ME. but it's okay, they're america's future doctors, surgeons, geniuses. so they say. days and weeks and they tell me i have months to go, but gyllian and katie and i decide that i'm fine and i'm smuggled into a wheelchair and pushed 100 miles an hour down hallways and elevators, through cafeterias, and there's the front door! oh great sliding glass of freedom! i'm there, i'm there, i'm out and oh hi mom! hi doctor! i'm ready! i'm ready to leave! i'm not ready. well i thought i was, but i guess you're the experts. let's make a deal: one more week and i'm outta here and i have school waiting for me and 300 stuffed animals to take home and thank you notes to write and i'm 16 and i want to smoke cigarettes and drink beer and have sex, duh. even one legged girls need to get laid, you know.

no surprise

thanks to katy for this...i am emotional and not very bright. what a shocker.


Your Emotional Intuition
score is a measure of how well you understand people, especially their
unspoken needs and sympathies. A high score score usually indicates
social grace and persuasiveness. A low score usually means you're good
at Quake.

Your Scientific Intuition
score tells you how in tune you are with the world around you; how well
you understand your physical and intellectual environment. People with
high scores here are apt to succeed in business and, of course, the
sciences.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 0% on Scientific You scored higher than 99% on Interpersonal

Link: The 2-Variable Intuition Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating

deep in the heart of texas

my body is deeply confused and keeps saying "what the hell time is it? no seriously, where the hell are we right now?". well ol' friend it's 1:50 pm central time here in dallas texas. which means it's 7:50 am hawaii time in oahu. which means it's 2:50 pm eastern time in new york. got it? yeah, i know, if we had actually slept on the plane instead of reading glamour and people magazine and watching reruns of judging amy, then we probably wouldn't be in this predicament which is namely that it's dumb to sleep now because then we won't sleep tonight and the whole schedule will be fucked to hell. jetlag is the biggest bitch i ever did know. if jetlag was a fat sweaty woman in a mumu i would throw sand in her face and spit in her eye.

last day in hawaii was bittersweet. queen emma's summer palace (that's RIGHT bitches i get my own damn palace), chinatown, last minute shopping which is the typical thing you do on the last day in paradise, cram everything in at the last minute. i miss it already so thanks oahu for rocking very very hard and making me tan and having orchids everywhere which of course i adored. i was made for hawaii.

forgotten ducks

i totally forgot about the fact that i had one split second of picture taking time left yesterday before my camera ate shit and died and we stopped for lunch at a place called (no joke) PINKY'S PUPU GRILLE. alas they were closed...apparently permanently, which shocked me. i mean how could a place with a name like that not survive? for real.

outside the abandoned restaurant was a duck and her babies. they were sweet and obviously saddened by the closing of pinky's pupu grille because they just sat outside the front door, looking plaintively through the windows. little did they know that duck is a pretty popular menu item here and the closing of pinky's pupu grille was most likely a fortunate thing, for their welfare at least. who knows about pinky and his (her?) welfare.

one more day

well i was a dumbass and didn't bring my camera to the north shore today and yesterday i brought my camera to kailua but i didn't have any battery juice left. so i'm a big fat loser i guess.

mostly it's beach and more beach and white sands and blue sea and beautiful green mountains. this island is very small.

kailua is where the rich white people buy their beachfront homes and it was where i said "yes! yes! this is where i will buy my beachfront home!". (mind you i am very filled with delusions but it's fun to fantasize when i'm bored about things like beachfront homes in oahu.) there is a deli/general store filled with canadian hippies and i realized i am just your average prejudiced prick because i liked being surrounded by people just like me. what a superficial farce i have turned out to be.

the north shore is where all the surfing is, dude! it was gorgeous and i saw big sea turtles swimming around and i even swam in the water and nobody stared at my little baby leg or anything which was fantastic! my little brothers helped me in and out of the water. i bought a waterproof camera at a store and took tons of pictures under water because i've never had a waterproof camera before. that is almost more fun than a digital because now i have a whole roll of film to develop and i have no clue how it will turn out...STAY TUNED FOR SCANNED PHOTOS OF ME UNDERWATER!

we're leaving tomorrow night. cry.

monday monday

if you're ever in honolulu, NEVER eat at a restaurant in the ghetto called the hungry lion. i shudder to think about it but i'll just tell you that it involves about 8 tv's playing animal planet and 15 year old faded murals covering every wall depicting lions eating other animals. like a cartoon lion with an apron and a shit eating grin on his face digging into a gazelle and a lion with a fork and knife and a napkin in his collar licking his chops as a pig runs away screaming. it sounds kitchy and fun but in fact it's just disturbing and seriously, who thought that curry spaghetti was a good idea????

i went to a museum. sometimes i pretend i'm smart and pay money to see old stuff and this time i got to see ancient hawaiian things like leis and bowls and a big whale skeleton that gave me the heebyjeebies.


YAY FERTILITY!!! who needs viagra when you could own a dude like this.


whale bones...this guy was like 50 feet long. here are his teeth:


i heard sperm whales have big penises but they didn't show me that part.


i got a case of the slurps.


starbucks is just so multicultural! even in hawaii they show that they are truly the people's coffee conglomerate. oh starbucks, thank you for conquering another distant land and allowing me to satisfy my iced nonfat chai cravings without a single moment of withdrawal.

visuals

waikikikikikiki

woke up, did my chosen routine: walk down the beach with a mug of coffee and some omni trio on my ipod. i've been waking up around 7 am, which is 1 pm new york time...don't know how well the transition will be when i'm home, but i'm trying not to think about it.



we are staying in a part of oahu which is not exactly, um how should i put it, full of tourists. basically, it's the native part of the island which i think is pretty fucking awesome. there's a liquor store down the road which looks like a bodega and is always filled with shirtless hawaiians laughing and drinking and i feel like home. i like it even more today because we ventured into the city of honolulu and down to waikiki beach, and let me tell you i have never seen so many fucking japanese people in my life. i mean seriously, there is a whole MALL that is all in japanese and is duty free and they don't know how to walk properly down the street but i'm not a racist or anything so i'll just say that it's very um interesting. honolulu is like any other touristy city: really high end stores on every corner (i counted four coach stores in 6 blocks), a planet hollywood, and hotels everywhere. way way way too many people on the beach. i did buy a shitload of hawaiian trinkets which basically means a bunch of your standard tropical crapola, but i was happy to get kakua necklaces (which have been seen around the necks of our favorite cokehead anorexic celebrity sluts nicole ritchie and lindsay lohan) for so cheap it was highway robbery.


i got a sunburn on my knee. AND i went swimming in the ocean for the first time in years and years because i love swimming but it's hard to hop on one leg out of the ocean when the waves keep pulling you back and back. my dad stood on the beach with a towel and my leg and cheered and that is one of many reasons why he is superdad.
also because he paid for me to come to hawaii with a family i hadn't seen in almost two years which was very nice of him to do and i think most people would agree.



my brothers are grownups now and i've only cried like 3 times so far since i've been here and too be fair, i did drink white wine one of those times. so it's all good brah. it's all good good good.

more first day

this is a hat that is hanging on the wall in my room. the woman who owns the house is named karen and she lives directly behind us with 10 basenjis. this is a basenji:








karen has 10 of them. she's a very awesome lady who calls children keiki but she doesn't say brah which i appreciate because it's annoying.

so far today i laid on a beach and took some panoramics of the mountains and the water and the sand and damn it's fucking gorgeous here and AREN'T YOU JEALOUS?



that's waikiki in the distance. ahhhhhh.

touchdown

all i can say is that DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTERWAS ON MY PLANE. and if you don't know who this man is then you are missing out on some amazing reality television.

day one

my dad tricked me. i thought we were leaving for oahu today, but apparently not until tomorrow morning. the flights to dallas were fine (had a quick stop in chicago), completely uneventful, and my dogs here still remember me even after two years away. i bought a new camera yesterday, so expect lots of pictures. now i'm going shopping, there's nothing else to do in texas.

ISLAND IN THE PACIFIC

i'm off to hawaii. specifically, tomorrow at 5:30 i'm flying to dallas to meet up with my father, stepmother, and two little brothers. on wednesday morning we will head off to honolulu.


pictures, stories, and maybe even a present or two when i return.


mahalo!!!!

lovely moments

this weekend was a blast. calm, undramatic, exactly how i wanted it to be. it's funny how combinations of people create certain atmospheres and dynamics, how one off vibe can make everything just a little different, a little strained or frustrating. when i have people come to my house in connecticut, it's like i'm extending something personal about myself to them. it's kind of a big deal to me, having friends that i know mostly on a fairly superficial level up in my parents' house. i suppose it doesn't seem like a monumental thing to most people, but i kind of savor it as an invitation to my real life. i'm so glad i have friends who are respectful and know what simple things like this mean to me.

inspiration

i've been in a rut. granted i'm in and out of ruts constantly, but creatively i've been as dry as the sahara for the past few months. what a bummer...luckily i got to see an amazing show that totally piqued my interest in music again and got my juices flowing. it's funny how, as an artist, sometimes all i need is one little nudge in the right direction and everything seems to make more sense. esthero started off her musical career doing triphop vocals, and i loved her first album "breath from another". when i listened to some examples of her new style, her first album after a 7 year hiatus, i was not impressed with this new pop princess esthero. what happened to the edgy electronica-laden music that i fell in love with in college? well, that girl definitely impressed me and made me realize what is going on in her head. she danced around like a maniac and her band (including three horns, guitar, keys, drums, and two back-up vocalists) was right up my alley. there was a lot of new orleans-jazz inspired arrangements and the pop stuff was made more interesting with rich harmonies and horn solos. sometimes all it takes is some music that seems to be made from the same ingredients as the music in your head to make you realize what direction you need to go in.

i'm seeing her again on wednesday night at pearl street in northampton. alone. ok, i may be a little obsessed right now, but i need to take all the musical inspiration i can get right now.

also, i'm back in ct. it's like i can exhale finally...my dog, my lake, my plants, my car, my piano, and some alone time. yessssssss.

pissing contest

i realized last night that i have this need to always one up people when they talk about things i've been through. it's annoying. specifically, conversations involving scars, car accidents, british people, and houses burning down rate high on my pissing contest list. however, i think i am learning to curb this obnoxious behavior and last night i proved to myself that i can actually hear someone mention a minor car accident and their lack of injuries and not say "well i was in a bad car accident once and i broke all the bones in both my legs and i lost a limb and i died a couple times!!! beat that sucka!!!!!". i suppose saying that to someone who i just met and is a work acquaintance of my boyfriend would be wholly inappropriate and it's possible that i am just learning to be a more mature adult.

speaking of mature adults, i used the phrase "when i grow up" yesterday without any irony whatsoever. sigh.

what should i do tonight? ozomatli or the roots. i like them both.

i'm watching crapfest tv, as in WE, lifetime, and TLC. it is my guilty pleasure. not my guiltiest pleasure, but pretty high up there.

my living situation is pretty much draining me of any positive energy that i once had. i could possibly kill someone before the end of the summer.

i am going to hawaii in a few weeks and i'm not excited about it, which apparently means i'm a blasphemous cuntrag.

i could subsist entirely on grape tomatos, cheese, and olives. white wine will wash it down.

i think i have found the secret to getting younger instead of older: dancing around like a lunatic, making funny faces/voices, cocaine, and sex. i've gotten carded every time i've tried to buy alcohol and about half the times i've bought cigarettes this summer and that has never really happened to me, so try my recipe and gain eternal youth!!!

all weekends should be like this

last weekend renewed my faith in all that is good and right with the world. i drove across the eastern seaboard and drove myself crazy doing it, but i got to see good people and do fun things and that is what i like most in the whole world.

thursday night (june 30th) i trekked it back up to hartford so that i could get my poor little subaru out of the shop on friday in time to do all my various fun things. i got to the shop and my car was only half fixed. apparently my mother told the guy to only fix the things listed on the insurance claim, which although was substantial, did not cover all the bodywork damage that had been accumulating over the years due to renegade bike messengers and crazy homeless people. (i seem to attract a lot of crazy people to do damage to my poor car...nothing surprises me anymore.) so i took the better but still not dent-free car out of the shop and decided on a whim to drive back to new york on saturday in order to hear the premier of my new track with datcyde at direct drive. he and i had been working on it for a while and i hadn't gotten to hear the finished version yet, so i really needed to be there when it was played on the rothko speakers for tons of people. i drove down without fanfare, scooped up my katy, stopped at jamin's studio to grab dave, and headed in to the city. all i can say about that night was that it was absolutely fantastic. so many people were there, and everyone kept coming up to me saying "did he play it yet????". i love positive reinforcement, and i especially love my friends. they called me up onstage and i got to dance and lipsynch and i was in heaven. (i found out later that after i left my friend jenny fell down the stairs and broke her foot in two places, so i guess that kind of put a damper on the night, but i'm a selfish bitch and i wasn't there when it happened. as far as i'm concerned it's all gravy.)

saturday i woke up and got on my way to boston, picking up kat on the way out of brooklyn. kat is one of those friends i had in college who i don't talk to on a very regular basis, but who lives in my neighborhood and every time we hang out we say "god why don't we hang out more?!?!". this time we really are going to, we promised. she and i got up to south salem to pick up our mutual best friend cassie and finally got on the way to boston. long drives are so so so much better when you have three chatty cathy's in a car, i tell you what. we did stop about three times (to see my dog...get some latte's...you know, the important things), but we finally made it up to lynn, massachussetts (right outside of boston) where our darling kendra was having her housewarming/engagement party. they freaking bought a house. and now they're getting married. i'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but we are officially getting old. the house is gorgeous and there was lots of sangria, wine, beer, and burgers and tons of weird people i didn't know. but in the middle of it all was our little core group of friends that manages to find each other about twice a year, get drunk, reminisce about college, and pass out. fantastic!

lynn is right on the beach, so we walked a few blocks and got to the sand to see the fireworks. mind you by this time we were all completely tanked. as in frightening small children. ah yes, it seems that every one of my groups of friends are "those people", you know, the ones that have a big circle of latitude around them in public because all the normals are scared. i wouldn't have it any other way. here's an example of what i mean:

now i know that this picture basically makes it look like I'M the only crazy one, but i swear it's not true. man, was i excited. fireworks are fun on the beach. the only major issue was that i had to pee desperately and by the time they ended, i was about to go in my pants. there were hundreds of people everywhere and no private bushes to pop a squat on, so i was fucked until we got back to kendra's house. now, as many of you may know, when i drink white wine i tend to get a little...um...emotional. so i ran back to the house with pal rachel and i kept calling ahead to make the kids in front slow down, but it was every man for himself at that point. we got back to the house as fast as we can, and the bathrooms were all being used. my reaction? to burst into tears. oh lord. in my drunken state i somehow thought that they all knew how badly i had to go and were using the bathrooms first to spite me, which is the most ridiculous thing ever. i mean, i really seriously started crying about it. probably one of my most pathetic moments ever...i ended up calling dave and katy in that state and katy says "well did you pee your pants or what?" and i apparently said "only a little" and she bursts out laughing and declares me fine, ready to keep partying. thank god for kaboom when you need reassurance that a little pee is better than a lot of pee. ugh.

the rest of the night is a blur of pictionary and more crying, apparently about exboyfriends being mean and dismissive and some guy i just met having to go fight in iraq (don't ask, i can't account for my drunken overemotional responses), but all in all it was a really wonderful time that ended much too quickly.

july fourth itself is pretty much a blur of a huge rooftop, steak, norah jones, drug deals gone wrong, and wiz peeing in a cup. i just love love love my friends. why can't every weekend be like that one????

hiatus

ok so i haven't been posting in about a month. i guess it's mostly because i've been relatively miserable and although there have been many wild reckless moments of abandonment, i haven't been taking any pictures. and i know that people like pictures. so i guess i just haven't been inclined to write anything when in all honesty i haven't done anything in about a month. partying does not count.

i did have a fantastic show at southstreet seaport, which was everything i had hoped it would be and more. i met duke ellington's granddaughter who said i gave her chills and that her grandfather would be proud. definitely a top ten moment. let's see....i sent my demo to los angeles and apparently it's been making the rounds at the warner group but they're not sure how to categorize me, so who knows if anything will come of that. gabe, my pseudo-agent, is sending more to bmg/sony, arista, etc., but i think we'd have more success at blue note and verve. whatever, he's the one with the fancy corner office.

i think i've realized where a lot of my misery lies: brooklyn doesn't hold the same power over me that it used to. i used to walk around neighborhoods feeling like it was all ingrained in me, like i was finally home. now when i'm there i mostly miss my dog and my lake and my flowers. my orchids aren't thriving without me, they need my steamy showers to really look their best. i think the urban part of my life is pretty much over, i'm almost ready to buy a house with a yard and settle down. i can't believe i feel that way after once claiming i would live in brooklyn forever, but it just doesn't feel right anymore. new york is honestly a beautiful facade, but lately i keep seeing the rats crossing the subway platforms and the drunken polish guys asleep on the sidewalk before seeing the children running around mccarren park and gorgeous old brownstones that i used to imagine living in. it's just too dirty and there's too many people and i guess i'm not as hardcore as i used to be because i miss boring old connecticut. what are we going to do with you, ema walker, you old fogie. i need to stop listening to so much jazz, it's turning me into a wrinkly.

so there you have it. i'm going to hawaii in a few weeks, i'm sure my mood will greatly improve. if that doesn't do it, then somebody better send me to the looney bin.

sick sick sick

back in brooklyn and of course i take the first week back to party ridiculously hard and get myself a nice headcold. this blows. also, i somehow unknowingly ended up spending way too much time at dave's apartment which resulted in his roommate being a dick and me getting upset and now i don't want to go back there or talk to that kid for a long long time. it's funny how different people can be...personally, i try and treat my friends with respect. that's how they know that they are my friends: i don't make fun of them or bug them about their flaws, i try my best not to talk shit about them (not always successfull, mind you), and i make sure that they understand that i enjoy their company. this is how friendship works, in my mind. if i wanted to treat the people around me like shit, i would just hang out with losers and douchebags and revel in my crew of idiots. but i don't. i like giving back to my friends, i like letting them know that they mean something to me, and by doing this i am constantly validated in my friendships when they do the same for me. dave's roommate seems to have a great time treating his friends like shit (i think he considers it "tough love"): he picks at their weaknesses and half the time it's hard to tell whether he actually likes his supposed best friends or hates them. i refuse to be put in a position where i am constantly wondering whether someone likes me and how i can figure out a way to get them to treat me better. therefore, i'm going to try my hardest to have him in my life as little as possible. i am way too sensitive to be trying to prove myself to someone, especially after hanging out with them for over 9 months. it's too stressful for me.

that being said, some cool things have happened this week...i am getting more and more excited for my performance on the 15th. it should be exciting, apparently there will be some big names there and i might get some great feedback and/or opportunities. also, my friend howie, who has some great contacts at labels and runs a management company, is really interested in working with me and wants me to sing on one of his artists' upcoming album and hopefully meet with a guy from a jazz label, called hightone, that he knows pretty well. so musically i'm doing great.

i need to work out a better balance now that i'm settling in...what kind of job i want to get, how to space out my time with dave and my other friends, how to spend my time when i'm trying to find a job, how much partying i can actually do without killing myself. it's stressing me out. no wonder i'm sick.

bk baby

guess who's back in the hood...brooklyn must have missed me terribly. it's strange having a place to stay here, considering i've spent most weekends here for the past 9 months. now i have a room and a kitchen and bathroom and somewhere to take a nap if i need to.

no job, but that will hopefully change.

thank god for friends like andrew...the kid met me at target and carried a plastic set of drawers the size of my torso and a huge comforter all the way back to greenpoint with me. he is a freaking angel. i've been walking my ass off for the past few days and it feels really good. i thought i would have a hard time without the car, but honestly it feels really nice not to have to worry about it all the time.

monday night i christened my return to brooklyn by going out and getting tanked with my roommates and my old friend mike weinbaum, who's visiting from vietnam. the kid went over there to teach with his girlfriend (now ex) and ended up starting an import-export vespa company. he bought a house and is incorporated, after 15 months over there. fucking nuts. he's also completely insane, but i suppose that's typical of the people i know. anyway, he and sloppy and kiv and i went to the mugs for beer and burgers, then headed to the abbey, and finished off the night at the turkey's nest. fun fun times, if not fully remembered.

last night i got my favorite el salvadoran meal finally, and andrew and dave made great company. the half hour walk home was only mildly uncomfortable...gotta get used to this whole walking thing.