Thursday, April 27, 2006


did you ever feel like you have to give up something of who you are to be in a relationship? i don't necessarily mean a romantic could be friendship, or even a relative, or a teacher or boss or or whatever. i feel like every once in a while i look around me and see all these amazing people that know a certain part of me; the musician part, the funny part, the student part, the daughter part...and that's not all me. as i'm finally trying to wrap up this phase of my life, i'm realizing how few people i know who get to see every single part of every single part of my life. it's not bad, i wouldn't want my parents to see me out at a club at 4 am. and i wouldn't want my dnb friends to see me nerding out in a transcription class. but it makes you wonder about the nature of a whole human you can be one complete human being in front of even one other person. i haven't found a person yet who knows me backwards and forwards, and although that's not necessarily a bad thing, it makes me wonder.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


those who know me know that i love to watch the learning channel and discovery health channel. i love to spend hours internalizing 1 in a million genetic mutations and bizarre psychological diseases...i can't help it. i can't tell if it makes me feel better or worse...i guess maybe it's because of my own personal physical anomaly. in addition, i have a close relative who's severly autistic, and two who are schizophrenic.

so perhaps my fascination isn't wholly self-centered.

but MAN i love these shows..."born with two heads", "i am my own twin", "the boy who had no skin"...

my mother thinks i'm a total sadist even watching this shit. i guess once in a while i just like to feel lucky that i'm not them. even with one leg. does that make me a bad person?


"I definitely would have had a little more tact and not drunk so much alcohol."
-bijou phillips

Saturday, April 08, 2006

one more post-death late-night post

norah jones is on conan right now with her "country" band, the little willies.

i thought she was what i was supposed to be living up to/thankful for in terms of her fame/competing with...same age as me, "jazz" singer, 5 grammies. yeah, well, i'm not singing country, so my bizarre competition with her is officially over.

this past week has been insane. i have been alternating between my sadness and elation because through death has come reunions with old friends and, surprisingly, gigs. i feel bad about talking shop and ultimately landing amazing gigs while at a funeral, but at the same time i know jmac would've done the same and probably is looking down at the whole situation laughing.

i'm tired of crying. it's time to start living in the celebration.

Monday, April 03, 2006

the beginning of the end

it's finally here, the inevitable. soon i'll be nothing more but another 20-something musician hoping to make enough money to not have to get a crappy day job. until then, i'm engulfed in more recitals, concerts, and bureaucratic nonsense to last me the next ten years. here it is, my dear hearts, the beginning of the end:

if you can, try and make it. i promise it won't suck too much.

ode to jmac

dear jackie,

thanks for being an inspiration to everyone around you. you were incredibly thoughtful, creative, and kind, but you were also a perfectionist who drove the musicians lucky enough to learn from you to do bigger and better things. without you i wouldn't be graduating from college, i wouldn't be as good as a musician as i am, and i definitely wouldn't know jack shit about jazz. thank you, my friend. you will be missed by every single person who you touched throughout your lifetime.