Monday, August 29, 2005

gig time

i have a show coming up and everyone who claims to be a friend should come.

thursday september 15th 7:30 pm the cutting room on west 24th st. and bway new york city

$15, $10 with student i.d.

i'm playing with my professor, steve davis, and therefore i'm only doing 4 tunes or so. but it's still fun and good publicity and also mr. big from sex in the city owns the venue so perhaps you could have a celebrity sighting while you're there. hopefully he won't be wearing slippers.

last weekend of freedom

school starts tomorrow. this means that i had one last weekend of tomfoolery and shenanigans before responsibility sets in so i took full advantage by riding a rollercoaster, celebrating a birthday, listening to great music, looking at porn (watch out, she's a squirter!), eating a corndog, dancing to drum'n'bass, reconnecting with good friends, and wrapping up a mattress in plastic.

sometimes it takes the end of a summer to make you realize that things aren't as bad as they seem.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

kick in the pants

i'm taking 25.5 credits this semester.

just thought you all should know.

Monday, August 22, 2005


you wouldn't realize it but getting a new leg is an extremely exciting process! i need to find a fabric to cover my new limb with since the lovely elephant pole of doom is on it's last legs. haaaaaaaaaa i crack myself up. i could never get rid of an old leg it's like a dear friend i guess getting me up and down stairs and lasting through however many ps1's and direct drives and nature walks and late late late nights. so when they die they usually sit in a closet or sometimes maybe on display for a while on a dresser. i don't want to imagine the poor thing on it's way to the dump where the broken cars broken computers ugly worn out bits of plastic and metal go to be crushed together and buried in a landfill. i could send them to a charity so that minefield victims could get the benefit of a new leg like i've had the opportunity of having but really worn out ones wouldn't benefit anyone anyway so mostly i keep them. then i get new ones to replace the old ones and i get to pick out ankles and toes and whether i want it to have skin or just be an imtimidating titanium pole that i can occasionally take off and threaten jackasses with when they act up. this time around i'm going for weaponry which means getting a fabric to have superimposed on the top part of the plastic and i want flowers maybe a japanese kimono fabric so that all the artwork on my body matches. that is a very important factor. kabooms and shaunas are good resources for such things and that is why i have good friends who can help me pick leg tattoos that match the rest of my tattoos and not think i'm a freak. at least not for that reason.

Thursday, August 18, 2005


productivity comes at a cost apparently. i ran around all day yesterday doing things like register for classes and buy orchid food for my plants and take my film to be developed and on and on and on. someone needed me to fedex them a package overnight because they forgot to pack a dress shirt for a fancy work dinner (you shall remain nameless since i know you're embarassed enough already for being disorganized oh lover of mine oops) and on the way to the package dropoff i rolled over a curb and got a flat tire. totally flat and separated from the rim which is bad i think. i had it towed to the sears auto center and....drumroll please...

$four hundred and thirty five

i have to get all my tires replaced. what is it with me and cars. haven't i suffered enough? i have taken hits for every damn asshole who goes around saying "i've never been in an accident...i've never even gotten a speeding ticket!" i hate those people.

Monday, August 15, 2005

a story

i watch the tree coming at us and all at once i really know the feeling of imminent doom. impact and then i look through a blur at broken glass, heaps of twisted metal, seemingly endless miles of tree bark and branches. and there's two of everything, maybe three or four but who can tell. in and out and in and out again and again and there are people and fire and more people, spotlights and headlights and fire extinguishers, and then a loud roar and i'm out. pain in my legs and pain in my head and pain in my chest and a helicopter and i'm out again. when i get to the hallways of linoleum and white white walls there is my mother and i say "i'm really sorry mom" and she says "why? was it your fault?" and although years later i find out she's being sarcastic, for a long time i think she's mad at me for screwing up yet again. i'm out and in and out and finally out out out.

the icu is bright and i can't talk and there's tubes everywhere, beeping and humming and purring and people everywhere and i learn i've been asleep for two weeks and i NEED to check my voicemail. maybe i was in the newspaper. tell me what's broken, i know that things aren't where they're supposed to be...and one other thing, i already know about the leg so spare me the gruesome details please. take this tube out of my throat i can't talk, i want to talk, i NEED to talk please i have too many questions to spell out on a laminated alphabet. let's hear the list: broken ankle, broken kneecap, dislocated kneecap, broken femur in two places, punctured lungs, punctured liver (kidney? i never remember) and the obvious. okay go back to sleep, no you can't take out that tube because you can't breathe on your own yet and you'll die. oh yeah, don't move that arm, your collarbone is broken too. sorry, we keep forgetting about that. pull this tube out NOW i need need NEED to talk please, i have to check my voicemail. someone might have called, a boy might like me, maybe someone didn't know that i'm here, maybe my friends are wondering if i'm ignoring them, maybe they hate me and i'm friendless and 16 and legless and alone. well everyone knows, it's in the newspaper and on the nightly news and morphine is fantastic and i'm asleep. in and out and in and out out out.

tubes are out, bandages are removed and changed daily, the residents come through like a pack of wolves hungrily eyeing my rare injuries and reconstructions and poking prodding and ignoring ME. but it's okay, they're america's future doctors, surgeons, geniuses. so they say. days and weeks and they tell me i have months to go, but gyllian and katie and i decide that i'm fine and i'm smuggled into a wheelchair and pushed 100 miles an hour down hallways and elevators, through cafeterias, and there's the front door! oh great sliding glass of freedom! i'm there, i'm there, i'm out and oh hi mom! hi doctor! i'm ready! i'm ready to leave! i'm not ready. well i thought i was, but i guess you're the experts. let's make a deal: one more week and i'm outta here and i have school waiting for me and 300 stuffed animals to take home and thank you notes to write and i'm 16 and i want to smoke cigarettes and drink beer and have sex, duh. even one legged girls need to get laid, you know.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

no surprise

thanks to katy for this...i am emotional and not very bright. what a shocker.

Your Emotional Intuition
score is a measure of how well you understand people, especially their
unspoken needs and sympathies. A high score score usually indicates
social grace and persuasiveness. A low score usually means you're good
at Quake.

Your Scientific Intuition
score tells you how in tune you are with the world around you; how well
you understand your physical and intellectual environment. People with
high scores here are apt to succeed in business and, of course, the

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 0% on Scientific
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Interpersonal
Link: The 2-Variable Intuition Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Friday, August 12, 2005

deep in the heart of texas

my body is deeply confused and keeps saying "what the hell time is it? no seriously, where the hell are we right now?". well ol' friend it's 1:50 pm central time here in dallas texas. which means it's 7:50 am hawaii time in oahu. which means it's 2:50 pm eastern time in new york. got it? yeah, i know, if we had actually slept on the plane instead of reading glamour and people magazine and watching reruns of judging amy, then we probably wouldn't be in this predicament which is namely that it's dumb to sleep now because then we won't sleep tonight and the whole schedule will be fucked to hell. jetlag is the biggest bitch i ever did know. if jetlag was a fat sweaty woman in a mumu i would throw sand in her face and spit in her eye.

last day in hawaii was bittersweet. queen emma's summer palace (that's RIGHT bitches i get my own damn palace), chinatown, last minute shopping which is the typical thing you do on the last day in paradise, cram everything in at the last minute. i miss it already so thanks oahu for rocking very very hard and making me tan and having orchids everywhere which of course i adored. i was made for hawaii.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

forgotten ducks

i totally forgot about the fact that i had one split second of picture taking time left yesterday before my camera ate shit and died and we stopped for lunch at a place called (no joke) PINKY'S PUPU GRILLE. alas they were closed...apparently permanently, which shocked me. i mean how could a place with a name like that not survive? for real.

outside the abandoned restaurant was a duck and her babies. they were sweet and obviously saddened by the closing of pinky's pupu grille because they just sat outside the front door, looking plaintively through the windows. little did they know that duck is a pretty popular menu item here and the closing of pinky's pupu grille was most likely a fortunate thing, for their welfare at least. who knows about pinky and his (her?) welfare.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

one more day

well i was a dumbass and didn't bring my camera to the north shore today and yesterday i brought my camera to kailua but i didn't have any battery juice left. so i'm a big fat loser i guess.

mostly it's beach and more beach and white sands and blue sea and beautiful green mountains. this island is very small.

kailua is where the rich white people buy their beachfront homes and it was where i said "yes! yes! this is where i will buy my beachfront home!". (mind you i am very filled with delusions but it's fun to fantasize when i'm bored about things like beachfront homes in oahu.) there is a deli/general store filled with canadian hippies and i realized i am just your average prejudiced prick because i liked being surrounded by people just like me. what a superficial farce i have turned out to be.

the north shore is where all the surfing is, dude! it was gorgeous and i saw big sea turtles swimming around and i even swam in the water and nobody stared at my little baby leg or anything which was fantastic! my little brothers helped me in and out of the water. i bought a waterproof camera at a store and took tons of pictures under water because i've never had a waterproof camera before. that is almost more fun than a digital because now i have a whole roll of film to develop and i have no clue how it will turn out...STAY TUNED FOR SCANNED PHOTOS OF ME UNDERWATER!

we're leaving tomorrow night. cry.

Monday, August 08, 2005

monday monday

if you're ever in honolulu, NEVER eat at a restaurant in the ghetto called the hungry lion. i shudder to think about it but i'll just tell you that it involves about 8 tv's playing animal planet and 15 year old faded murals covering every wall depicting lions eating other animals. like a cartoon lion with an apron and a shit eating grin on his face digging into a gazelle and a lion with a fork and knife and a napkin in his collar licking his chops as a pig runs away screaming. it sounds kitchy and fun but in fact it's just disturbing and seriously, who thought that curry spaghetti was a good idea????

i went to a museum. sometimes i pretend i'm smart and pay money to see old stuff and this time i got to see ancient hawaiian things like leis and bowls and a big whale skeleton that gave me the heebyjeebies.

YAY FERTILITY!!! who needs viagra when you could own a dude like this.

whale bones...this guy was like 50 feet long. here are his teeth:

i heard sperm whales have big penises but they didn't show me that part.

i got a case of the slurps.

starbucks is just so multicultural! even in hawaii they show that they are truly the people's coffee conglomerate. oh starbucks, thank you for conquering another distant land and allowing me to satisfy my iced nonfat chai cravings without a single moment of withdrawal.



woke up, did my chosen routine: walk down the beach with a mug of coffee and some omni trio on my ipod. i've been waking up around 7 am, which is 1 pm new york time...don't know how well the transition will be when i'm home, but i'm trying not to think about it.

we are staying in a part of oahu which is not exactly, um how should i put it, full of tourists. basically, it's the native part of the island which i think is pretty fucking awesome. there's a liquor store down the road which looks like a bodega and is always filled with shirtless hawaiians laughing and drinking and i feel like home. i like it even more today because we ventured into the city of honolulu and down to waikiki beach, and let me tell you i have never seen so many fucking japanese people in my life. i mean seriously, there is a whole MALL that is all in japanese and is duty free and they don't know how to walk properly down the street but i'm not a racist or anything so i'll just say that it's very um interesting. honolulu is like any other touristy city: really high end stores on every corner (i counted four coach stores in 6 blocks), a planet hollywood, and hotels everywhere. way way way too many people on the beach. i did buy a shitload of hawaiian trinkets which basically means a bunch of your standard tropical crapola, but i was happy to get kakua necklaces (which have been seen around the necks of our favorite cokehead anorexic celebrity sluts nicole ritchie and lindsay lohan) for so cheap it was highway robbery.

i got a sunburn on my knee. AND i went swimming in the ocean for the first time in years and years because i love swimming but it's hard to hop on one leg out of the ocean when the waves keep pulling you back and back. my dad stood on the beach with a towel and my leg and cheered and that is one of many reasons why he is superdad.
also because he paid for me to come to hawaii with a family i hadn't seen in almost two years which was very nice of him to do and i think most people would agree.

my brothers are grownups now and i've only cried like 3 times so far since i've been here and too be fair, i did drink white wine one of those times. so it's all good brah. it's all good good good.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

more first day

this is a hat that is hanging on the wall in my room. the woman who owns the house is named karen and she lives directly behind us with 10 basenjis. this is a basenji:

karen has 10 of them. she's a very awesome lady who calls children keiki but she doesn't say brah which i appreciate because it's annoying.

so far today i laid on a beach and took some panoramics of the mountains and the water and the sand and damn it's fucking gorgeous here and AREN'T YOU JEALOUS?

that's waikiki in the distance. ahhhhhh.


all i can say is that DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTERWAS ON MY PLANE. and if you don't know who this man is then you are missing out on some amazing reality television.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

day one

my dad tricked me. i thought we were leaving for oahu today, but apparently not until tomorrow morning. the flights to dallas were fine (had a quick stop in chicago), completely uneventful, and my dogs here still remember me even after two years away. i bought a new camera yesterday, so expect lots of pictures. now i'm going shopping, there's nothing else to do in texas.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005


i'm off to hawaii. specifically, tomorrow at 5:30 i'm flying to dallas to meet up with my father, stepmother, and two little brothers. on wednesday morning we will head off to honolulu.

pictures, stories, and maybe even a present or two when i return.


Monday, August 01, 2005

lovely moments

this weekend was a blast. calm, undramatic, exactly how i wanted it to be. it's funny how combinations of people create certain atmospheres and dynamics, how one off vibe can make everything just a little different, a little strained or frustrating. when i have people come to my house in connecticut, it's like i'm extending something personal about myself to them. it's kind of a big deal to me, having friends that i know mostly on a fairly superficial level up in my parents' house. i suppose it doesn't seem like a monumental thing to most people, but i kind of savor it as an invitation to my real life. i'm so glad i have friends who are respectful and know what simple things like this mean to me.