Thursday, December 29, 2005


i have the same problem with every big fun holiday. i wait and wait all year long and then the day happens and suddenly i wake up and it's over. and i'm so so matter how old i get, the weeks after xmas just totally make me depressed. this year is no different, but i'm managing ok. taking a solid 48 hours to lay in bed, watch tv, and only use my leg(s) to get my sad smelly self to the bathroom or kitchen really helped. now i'm left fixing all the crap that should have been dealt with during that time, namely sending important applications for various music competitions that are almost overdue and dealing with the fact that my bank account is unbelievably overdrawn. this is on account of the fact that i actuallly bought people thoughtful presents this year for the first time ever. yes, you read that correctly. i've never claimed to be generous or selfless. on the contrary, i am extremely open about the fact that i'm a completely self-involved and egocentric little twit.

this year pretty much kicked big holiday ass in every way. there's a certain something that happens in families when all the kids are grown up but not so grown up that they're totally independent. they mostly live out of the house, but they're not married or have kids of their own. they have jobs or generate at least some of their own income, but they still get checks for their birthdays. this is a perfect moment in the suburban family, as i have learned. this is primarily because it is when the whole family finally throws caution to the wind and gets WASTED. oh yes, this xmas was all about alcohol here in west hartford, connecticut. granted, my parents are british and we have a certain love for the bottle that other families may not share, but there is something so sweet with looking around the holiday table, eating the ham and creamed broccoli and mincemeat pies, and realizing that every person there is just as loaded as you are. oh yes, how sweet it is. now you must realize that we are civilized people, so it's not like anyone was drooling or knocking over things or setting people's hair on fire by accident, but there was definitely a nice flow for about four days of "good morning" bloody mary's to lunchtime beers to evening champagne toasts to bottle after bottle after bottle of wine during and after supper. it doesn't get much better than that.

another reason that the holidays ruled over all holidays of all time is because i got to do a gig which involved singing in the basement of an entertainment lawyer's house while a born-again christian pianist i know played on an out-of-tune upright. all that can really be said about this particular situation is that we were by far the only white people in a house filled with 60-75 extremely fancy african americans, it was a DRY CHRISTMAS PARTY (which as we can see from the aforementioned testimonial, just won't do), and i had to compete with a 20 person gospel choir with a full band that played directly above us. why we were asked to play at the same time as the 20 person gospel choir (and let me tell you those jesus lovers were really really really loving jesus that night) is beyond me. the only people coming downstairs were the little kids who were stealing chicken wings from the not-yet-opened tinfoil containers and pouring themselves endless plastic cups of sprite. everyone else was praising jesus upstairs, and as soon as it was over and they came down to eat the chicken wings and french fries, our time was up. wow.

so, the holidays are almost over. all that's left is new year's...ugh. always such a pain in the ass. i mean, it's just one of those things that never lives up to anyone's expectations. ever. as long as i'm inebriated and with the ones i love, i could give a shit. if you are in new york and don't have plans, my dave and i will be seeing my darling kat in williamsburg, spitting on chris at pioneer bar, and finally djing at fat baby in the east village. (not me, dave. i don't do that crap.)


Monday, December 19, 2005

ode to santa

dear santa,

it's been a while, but i think i might need your help this year. i'm not really asking for much. i mean, i know i'm not going to get the winning lottery ticket or the gas-guzzling mercedes g500 that i've been secretly salivating over for the past two years, or the puggle that i can't help but imagine poking his cute head out of my stocking. however. this year i am asking you for some serious help with some inner qualities that have been lacking within myself for quite some time: this year please bless me with some musical inspiration and a little perserverance. you see, santa, i'm one lazy motherfucker. things generally come easy to me and i just kind of let shit fall in my head or my lap and that's that. well, that's not going to be enough this coming year because i need to write some really good music and find my own style so that i can make a really good record. someone's giving me the opportunity to make a record for them and if i don't make some innovative interesting shit, i'm going to get fired. see what i'm saying? this is big. so, this year for christmas i am, BEGGING you to help me get my act together and write some mind-blowing, ass-shaking, head-bopping good music. not only that, but i'm asking you to help me take it to the next level and actually continue to work on stuff even if i think it sucks, even if i'm missing law and order, and even if there's a party going on that i just CAN'T miss. this will probably be the tallest order of all because i consider my ability to party even in the face of dire straits and extreme adversity one of my strongest assets.

if i don't accomplish this, i'm going to end up working at starbucks. not that there's anything wrong with that, but the green apron totally does not flatter my coloring.

thanks, santa. i'll leave you some jim beam and slim jims on christmas eve like a good girl.


Friday, December 09, 2005

ode to a freshman

dear freshman,

i know this has been the greatest thing to ever happen to you in your 18 years of life. I mean, being out here in college on your without your lame parents or any real adult supervision, meeting awesome new people who don't know what a loser you were in high school, drinking alcohol with less trouble than when you were 16 but still enjoying that adrenaline rush when you try and get into the bar with your brand spanking new fake i.d. that you got from the sketchy kid down the hall with all the fancy computer equipment that his rich parents bought him last christmas to encourage his interest in "graphic design", having a class schedule that allows you to sleep past 9 am for the first time ever, buying weed for the first time from the preppy lacrosse player across the quad that is green and fluffy and actually gets you high instead of having to deal with that brown hay-like crap you got from that weird 40 year old guy from your hometown who is still living in his parents' basement, and most of all i know it's exciting to feel like finally you are a GROWNUP.

HOWEVER. you are not a grownup. and screaming and jumping up and down every time you see your annoying little freshman friends in the hallway is one example why you are not anywhere close to being a grownup. getting drunk and puking all over the dorm after three beers is another example of why you are still not grown up in any way. i understand, i really do. i had that one nasty dreadlock when i was 19, and i am telling you now as a voice of exprience that it looks like ass and you'll totally regret it in a couple months or years or however long it takes you to stop listening to phish when it tries to eat up the rest of your hair and you have to cut it out and have patches of hair missing like a head trauma victim. yes you were the best guitar player/trumpet player/drummer/singer in your high school jazz band, but here you are nothing more than a mildly talented freshman.

so live free my young friend!!! but please stop screaming, puking, and acting like you know something. because you don't.


Monday, December 05, 2005

ode to a moron

dear shitty driver,

i know it's been snowing here in connecticut. i know that it hasn't snowed since march, and sometimes people can forget how slippery and wet and cold the snow can be. i know that haste makes waste and that running around like a lunatic in icy conditions isn't very bright. BUT. i also know that WE LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND. it snows here EVERY SINGLE YEAR. MULTIPLE TIMES. MUTLIPLE FEET. don't you remember??? don't you remember how last year you drove around at 5 mph on the highway three days after a snowfall and people honked at you??? don't you remember how you didn't use your turn signals and people honked at you??? don't you remember how you took so long to turn at the green light that by the time you were done the light was red again and PEOPLE HONKED AT YOU??? don't you remember that YOU HAVE A $50,000 SUV??? last time i checked, the only reason to own a hummer, expedition, or bronco in the suburbs is because of this very occurence...of course, i could be wrong. it's been known to happen.


thanks for nothing, douchebag.