ode to a freshman

dear freshman,

i know this has been the greatest thing to ever happen to you in your 18 years of life. I mean, being out here in college on your without your lame parents or any real adult supervision, meeting awesome new people who don't know what a loser you were in high school, drinking alcohol with less trouble than when you were 16 but still enjoying that adrenaline rush when you try and get into the bar with your brand spanking new fake i.d. that you got from the sketchy kid down the hall with all the fancy computer equipment that his rich parents bought him last christmas to encourage his interest in "graphic design", having a class schedule that allows you to sleep past 9 am for the first time ever, buying weed for the first time from the preppy lacrosse player across the quad that is green and fluffy and actually gets you high instead of having to deal with that brown hay-like crap you got from that weird 40 year old guy from your hometown who is still living in his parents' basement, and most of all i know it's exciting to feel like finally you are a GROWNUP.

HOWEVER. you are not a grownup. and screaming and jumping up and down every time you see your annoying little freshman friends in the hallway is one example why you are not anywhere close to being a grownup. getting drunk and puking all over the dorm after three beers is another example of why you are still not grown up in any way. i understand, i really do. i had that one nasty dreadlock when i was 19, and i am telling you now as a voice of exprience that it looks like ass and you'll totally regret it in a couple months or years or however long it takes you to stop listening to phish when it tries to eat up the rest of your hair and you have to cut it out and have patches of hair missing like a head trauma victim. yes you were the best guitar player/trumpet player/drummer/singer in your high school jazz band, but here you are nothing more than a mildly talented freshman.

so live free my young friend!!! but please stop screaming, puking, and acting like you know something. because you don't.

xoxo
-e