overload

i have the same problem with every big fun holiday. i wait and wait all year long and then the day happens and suddenly i wake up and it's over. and i'm so so sad...no matter how old i get, the weeks after xmas just totally make me depressed. this year is no different, but i'm managing ok. taking a solid 48 hours to lay in bed, watch tv, and only use my leg(s) to get my sad smelly self to the bathroom or kitchen really helped. now i'm left fixing all the crap that should have been dealt with during that time, namely sending important applications for various music competitions that are almost overdue and dealing with the fact that my bank account is unbelievably overdrawn. this is on account of the fact that i actuallly bought people thoughtful presents this year for the first time ever. yes, you read that correctly. i've never claimed to be generous or selfless. on the contrary, i am extremely open about the fact that i'm a completely self-involved and egocentric little twit.

this year pretty much kicked big holiday ass in every way. there's a certain something that happens in families when all the kids are grown up but not so grown up that they're totally independent. they mostly live out of the house, but they're not married or have kids of their own. they have jobs or generate at least some of their own income, but they still get checks for their birthdays. this is a perfect moment in the suburban family, as i have learned. this is primarily because it is when the whole family finally throws caution to the wind and gets WASTED. oh yes, this xmas was all about alcohol here in west hartford, connecticut. granted, my parents are british and we have a certain love for the bottle that other families may not share, but there is something so sweet with looking around the holiday table, eating the ham and creamed broccoli and mincemeat pies, and realizing that every person there is just as loaded as you are. oh yes, how sweet it is. now you must realize that we are civilized people, so it's not like anyone was drooling or knocking over things or setting people's hair on fire by accident, but there was definitely a nice flow for about four days of "good morning" bloody mary's to lunchtime beers to evening champagne toasts to bottle after bottle after bottle of wine during and after supper. it doesn't get much better than that.

another reason that the holidays ruled over all holidays of all time is because i got to do a gig which involved singing in the basement of an entertainment lawyer's house while a born-again christian pianist i know played on an out-of-tune upright. all that can really be said about this particular situation is that we were by far the only white people in a house filled with 60-75 extremely fancy african americans, it was a DRY CHRISTMAS PARTY (which as we can see from the aforementioned testimonial, just won't do), and i had to compete with a 20 person gospel choir with a full band that played directly above us. why we were asked to play at the same time as the 20 person gospel choir (and let me tell you those jesus lovers were really really really loving jesus that night) is beyond me. the only people coming downstairs were the little kids who were stealing chicken wings from the not-yet-opened tinfoil containers and pouring themselves endless plastic cups of sprite. everyone else was praising jesus upstairs, and as soon as it was over and they came down to eat the chicken wings and french fries, our time was up. wow.

so, the holidays are almost over. all that's left is new year's...ugh. always such a pain in the ass. i mean, it's just one of those things that never lives up to anyone's expectations. ever. as long as i'm inebriated and with the ones i love, i could give a shit. if you are in new york and don't have plans, my dave and i will be seeing my darling kat in williamsburg, spitting on chris at pioneer bar, and finally djing at fat baby in the east village. (not me, dave. i don't do that crap.)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS MY LOVELY LOVELIES!!

ode to santa

dear santa,

it's been a while, but i think i might need your help this year. i'm not really asking for much. i mean, i know i'm not going to get the winning lottery ticket or the gas-guzzling mercedes g500 that i've been secretly salivating over for the past two years, or the puggle that i can't help but imagine poking his cute head out of my stocking. however. this year i am asking you for some serious help with some inner qualities that have been lacking within myself for quite some time: this year please bless me with some musical inspiration and a little perserverance. you see, santa, i'm one lazy motherfucker. things generally come easy to me and i just kind of let shit fall in my head or my lap and that's that. well, that's not going to be enough this coming year because i need to write some really good music and find my own style so that i can make a really good record. someone's giving me the opportunity to make a record for them and if i don't make some innovative interesting shit, i'm going to get fired. see what i'm saying? this is big. so, this year for christmas i am asking...no, BEGGING you to help me get my act together and write some mind-blowing, ass-shaking, head-bopping good music. not only that, but i'm asking you to help me take it to the next level and actually continue to work on stuff even if i think it sucks, even if i'm missing law and order, and even if there's a party going on that i just CAN'T miss. this will probably be the tallest order of all because i consider my ability to party even in the face of dire straits and extreme adversity one of my strongest assets.

if i don't accomplish this, i'm going to end up working at starbucks. not that there's anything wrong with that, but the green apron totally does not flatter my coloring.

thanks, santa. i'll leave you some jim beam and slim jims on christmas eve like a good girl.

xoxo
-e

ode to a freshman

dear freshman,

i know this has been the greatest thing to ever happen to you in your 18 years of life. I mean, being out here in college on your without your lame parents or any real adult supervision, meeting awesome new people who don't know what a loser you were in high school, drinking alcohol with less trouble than when you were 16 but still enjoying that adrenaline rush when you try and get into the bar with your brand spanking new fake i.d. that you got from the sketchy kid down the hall with all the fancy computer equipment that his rich parents bought him last christmas to encourage his interest in "graphic design", having a class schedule that allows you to sleep past 9 am for the first time ever, buying weed for the first time from the preppy lacrosse player across the quad that is green and fluffy and actually gets you high instead of having to deal with that brown hay-like crap you got from that weird 40 year old guy from your hometown who is still living in his parents' basement, and most of all i know it's exciting to feel like finally you are a GROWNUP.

HOWEVER. you are not a grownup. and screaming and jumping up and down every time you see your annoying little freshman friends in the hallway is one example why you are not anywhere close to being a grownup. getting drunk and puking all over the dorm after three beers is another example of why you are still not grown up in any way. i understand, i really do. i had that one nasty dreadlock when i was 19, and i am telling you now as a voice of exprience that it looks like ass and you'll totally regret it in a couple months or years or however long it takes you to stop listening to phish when it tries to eat up the rest of your hair and you have to cut it out and have patches of hair missing like a head trauma victim. yes you were the best guitar player/trumpet player/drummer/singer in your high school jazz band, but here you are nothing more than a mildly talented freshman.

so live free my young friend!!! but please stop screaming, puking, and acting like you know something. because you don't.

xoxo
-e

ode to a moron

dear shitty driver,

i know it's been snowing here in connecticut. i know that it hasn't snowed since march, and sometimes people can forget how slippery and wet and cold the snow can be. i know that haste makes waste and that running around like a lunatic in icy conditions isn't very bright. BUT. i also know that WE LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND. it snows here EVERY SINGLE YEAR. MULTIPLE TIMES. MUTLIPLE FEET. don't you remember??? don't you remember how last year you drove around at 5 mph on the highway three days after a snowfall and people honked at you??? don't you remember how you didn't use your turn signals and people honked at you??? don't you remember how you took so long to turn at the green light that by the time you were done the light was red again and PEOPLE HONKED AT YOU??? don't you remember that YOU HAVE A $50,000 SUV??? last time i checked, the only reason to own a hummer, expedition, or bronco in the suburbs is because of this very occurence...of course, i could be wrong. it's been known to happen.

PLEASE DO BETTER OR GO BACK TO DRIVER'S ED.

thanks for nothing, douchebag.

xoxo
-e

success is bittersweet

mercury is in retrograde and it seems that lately a lot of people have been having communication issues and misunderstandings. it sucks to feel wronged but it sucks even more to feel in the wrong...especially when there's no real question of who's big mouth or insensitive comments resulted in the issue to begin with. in the end it's just better to remember that these insignificant tiffs won't mean anything in another few months, or years, or decades...eventually all the wrongs on both sides will be forgotten and hopefully forgiven. hopefully.

however, when these things do happen, it's good to have other more important things to focus on. like the fact that i, the most unreliable disorganized schmuck on the planet, managed somehow to raise $1887 for my school last night with my benefit concert. don't ask me how, but for some reason it happened and i'm just going to trust the universe that it's not a mistake.

happy turkey day everyone. i'd especially like to extend a big "happy holidays!" to my family who are all in france without me this week. hope you have a fucking fantastic time without me. no really. fucking fantastic.

asking people for money bites the big one

music will slowly kill me

i'm overwhelmed with benefit concerts, demos, competitions, music festival applications, press kits, and photo shoots.

here's some new stuff i've done. i have another recording session on december 8th and my website will be up and running soon.


http://www.myspace.com/emawalker

http://www.meganjolly.com/archive/thumbnails.php3?cat=ESPERO%20II


i feel a meltdown on the horizon.

the state of things

i went to see wynton marsalis play last night at a katrina benefit. it's amazing how a hundreds of people who pay absolutely no attention to jazz music 99% of the time will turn out in full force for the "ambassador of jazz". i think they think it's like cool or something? i don't know. watching the classical majors lined up against the back wall shaking their little asses and snapping their fingers and yelling out for reasons unknown to themselves ("that 'riff' was so awesome!") was both amusing and nauseating. they think that we're inferior musicians all day long at school, calling us "jazzers" and haughtily sneering at our supposed inability to read music (completely untrue). well thanks, wynton, you holier than thou assface, for making me share space with lame bitches like that. you're a genius on the trumpet, but for those of us who play all day every day without a million dollar recording contract just because we love to, your fame is just a tad bit frustrating. i supposed i should be thanking you for bringing the music we love to the masses, but i find it a little difficult to be charitable. sorry.

back in the saddle

so i apologize for the melodramatics. to illustrate my seriously unbalanced chemistry, i'll share with you all that i have just had fantastic days. i went to my classes. i had rehearsals. i sang my ass off. i had good sleep. i sang some more. i wrote some music. i transcribed some tunes. i watched some great television. i played with my dog. i listened to donny hathaway. i watered my plants. i got two new pairs of shoes in the mail. i took some pictures. and mostly i sang sang sang. if i appear high strung, tell me to take a minute and hit some high notes and i'll shut the fuck up, i promise.

another weekend

new things

i love spending money. it's a problem. this week i really outdid myself...two new pairs of glasses and a new leg. i justified it by reminding myself that after my recent insurance debacles, i only had to spend $1275 on the leg instead of $11,000. saving that much money can really improve a person's mood, but in my case it inspires more spending.

that being said, it's my birthday in less than a week, so i can consider these early birthday presents...or i can think of them as necessary biological accessories. i suppose that is the more appropriate designation.

fighting in circles

i hate fighting with people i love. i hate the struggle of knowing how i feel and trying to be the kind of person who sees another point of view and think it's just as valid as mine. because in reality nobody ever thinks anyone else's point of view is as valid as their own, especially when they are in the middle of an argument. i hate not knowing where the line is between making sense and sounding like a maniacal fool. i hate going around in circles and hearing a point made two hours after the beginning of the fight that was made in the first two seconds of the fight but somehow means something completely different and no longer makes sense. i hate being afraid i'm going to cross the line and really hurt one of the people i love most in the whole world but part of me keeps pushing and pushing just to finally get to that point. i hate feeling like i'm a mean, awful, ugly ogre but at the same time feeling like i'm being horribly, terribly wronged.

i hate fighting with people i love.

singing

i like to sing and sometimes i feel good about it. thursday kicked much ass and although there was no mr. big i got good vibes and the band was amazing. i met a new friend at the jazz club that we all decided to haunt for hours afterward. i haven't been in the new york uptown jazz state of mind for a while now and although it is, as someone put it, my kryptonite in terms of my physical and mental state at the end of the night in many ways it feels most like home.

makes me want to get back to the city...what a foreign feeling.

how the gig ends up

had a great gig tonight and a great afterparty at kenney's, the total sum of which will be shown in this series of latenight drunken sloppy photos:

POTSDAM

there is someone in potsdam new york reading this blog. if you are that person, please say something because i don't know if you realize that i lived in potsdam from age 3-9 until it got too cold to bear and we got shipped down to connecticut. sometimes i still have faint memories of the iceberg that was once called home, a mere 40 minutes away from canada where the snow starts to fall in october and doesn't leave until june, and where a tree got knocked over in a huge thunderstorm and crashed through our kitchen roof almost killing our entire family. ah sweet sweet potsdam.

if you are happy in that godforsaken wasteland, oh potsdam reader o' mine, then i apologize for badmouthing your home, but i have to say that it didn't offer much for a loudmouthed attention-seeking little ruffian like me.

summer's over please kill me

i'm sad. we're grilling on labor day weekend and that means that summer is over and it's time to whip out the sweaters and jackets which actually now that i think about it is kind of refreshing. i always feel sorry for the winter clothes tucked away in the back of the closet waiting with baited breath for the temperature to hit a solid 50 degrees so they can strut their stuff once again. i spend too much money on clothes so i might as well wear them and get excited about them or else really what is the point? plus there's a certain sample sale coming up at a certain outwerwear company where a certain lad i am quite fond of works and i will get some more jackets, so maybe end of summer isn't too too bad.

classes are going well. so far. i'm having a little scuffle with my creative writing teacher because i was extremely dumb (some might even say tardastic!) and missed a class by accident before getting him to sign an override form (whatever the hell that is supposed to be) so i'm going to go in on tuesday and beg him to let me in since i'm a senior and i need to graduate and pleeeeease don't ruin my life you pathetic little man. he's a young guy named eric who lives in northampton massachussetts and apparently writes some sort of poetry/prose hybrid that i've heard isn't very good. therefore i intend to beat him down with my charm and if that doesn't work then i'll use tears. a tried and true method.

talapia for dinner. i made guacamole for a snack. poker at jesse's is fun fun fun and also i've only had white wine to drink for a month now. it makes me feel like i'm on a sobriety kick (when in fact i'm still drinking) and i like it.

canoe's going back in the garage and i'm putting my flipflops away. bugger.

gig time

i have a show coming up and everyone who claims to be a friend should come.

thursday september 15th 7:30 pm the cutting room on west 24th st. and bway new york city

$15, $10 with student i.d.

i'm playing with my professor, steve davis, and therefore i'm only doing 4 tunes or so. but it's still fun and good publicity and also mr. big from sex in the city owns the venue so perhaps you could have a celebrity sighting while you're there. hopefully he won't be wearing slippers.

last weekend of freedom

school starts tomorrow. this means that i had one last weekend of tomfoolery and shenanigans before responsibility sets in so i took full advantage by riding a rollercoaster, celebrating a birthday, listening to great music, looking at porn (watch out, she's a squirter!), eating a corndog, dancing to drum'n'bass, reconnecting with good friends, and wrapping up a mattress in plastic.

sometimes it takes the end of a summer to make you realize that things aren't as bad as they seem.

kick in the pants

i'm taking 25.5 credits this semester.


just thought you all should know.

appendages

you wouldn't realize it but getting a new leg is an extremely exciting process! i need to find a fabric to cover my new limb with since the lovely elephant pole of doom is on it's last legs. haaaaaaaaaa i crack myself up. i could never get rid of an old leg it's like a dear friend i guess getting me up and down stairs and lasting through however many ps1's and direct drives and nature walks and late late late nights. so when they die they usually sit in a closet or sometimes maybe on display for a while on a dresser. i don't want to imagine the poor thing on it's way to the dump where the broken cars broken computers ugly worn out bits of plastic and metal go to be crushed together and buried in a landfill. i could send them to a charity so that minefield victims could get the benefit of a new leg like i've had the opportunity of having but really worn out ones wouldn't benefit anyone anyway so mostly i keep them. then i get new ones to replace the old ones and i get to pick out ankles and toes and whether i want it to have skin or just be an imtimidating titanium pole that i can occasionally take off and threaten jackasses with when they act up. this time around i'm going for weaponry which means getting a fabric to have superimposed on the top part of the plastic and i want flowers maybe a japanese kimono fabric so that all the artwork on my body matches. that is a very important factor. kabooms and shaunas are good resources for such things and that is why i have good friends who can help me pick leg tattoos that match the rest of my tattoos and not think i'm a freak. at least not for that reason.

carma

productivity comes at a cost apparently. i ran around all day yesterday doing things like register for classes and buy orchid food for my plants and take my film to be developed and on and on and on. someone needed me to fedex them a package overnight because they forgot to pack a dress shirt for a fancy work dinner (you shall remain nameless since i know you're embarassed enough already for being disorganized oh lover of mine oops) and on the way to the package dropoff i rolled over a curb and got a flat tire. totally flat and separated from the rim which is bad i think. i had it towed to the sears auto center and....drumroll please...

$four hundred and thirty five

i have to get all my tires replaced. what is it with me and cars. haven't i suffered enough? i have taken hits for every damn asshole who goes around saying "i've never been in an accident...i've never even gotten a speeding ticket!" i hate those people.